How Routines Support Regulation
How routines can support grieving
From an early age, we are told that routines are important for children—but they can be especially helpful during times of grief. When someone important has died, life can feel uncertain and unsettled. Routines can offer a sense of stability and help children and young people feel safer in a changing world. Even small, everyday routines can make a difference.
Why routines matter
Routines help both children and adults feel more in control of daily life.
They can:
- Create a sense of predictability and safety
- Support emotional regulation
- Reduce stress during difficult times
Focusing on basic needs—such as sleep, eating regularly, movement, and self-care—helps support both physical and emotional wellbeing. When everything else feels uncertain, these simple habits can act as an anchor.
Keeping boundaries and structure
During grief, it can feel harder to maintain routines or boundaries. Children may push limits or seem unsettled. Even so, clear and consistent expectations can help children feel secure.
They show your child that:
- You are there to keep them safe
- Life continues, even after a loss
- There is still structure they can rely on
Routines do not have to be perfect. Small, consistent steps are enough.
Involving your child
Giving children some choice within their routine can help them feel more in control, especially when grief may leave them feeling powerless.
You might:
- Involve them in planning parts of their day
- Let them choose between simple options
- Encourage them to take small responsibilities
This can help build confidence and a sense of achievement.
Supporting younger children
Younger children often benefit from clear and visual routines.
You could use:
- Charts, pictures, or symbols
- Stickers or magnets to mark completed tasks
- Simple “to do” and “done” systems
Talking through the next day before bedtime can also help children feel prepared and reduce anxiety. A calm and predictable bedtime routine—such as reading, cuddling, or listening to gentle music—can help children feel safe and connected.
Supporting teenagers
Teenagers may experience changes in sleep patterns, especially during times of stress or grief.
You can support them by:
- Encouraging regular sleep routines where possible
- Setting gentle boundaries around screen use before bed
- Helping them find ways to wind down, such as music, reading, or a warm drink
Regular meals are also important. Even one shared meal each day or week can provide a valuable time to connect.
Encouraging movement—such as a walk together—can support both emotional wellbeing and family connection.
The importance of downtime
Alongside routines, children and young people also need time to rest and switch off. Downtime might include:
- Watching something familiar
- Playing games
- Reading or listening to music
- Spending time alone
This space allows children to take a break from big feelings, and also to process their grief in their own way.
Grief often involves moving between times of feeling the loss and times of focusing on everyday life and both of these different ways of coping are important.
A gentle reminder
After a bereavement, routines may feel harder to maintain—and that’s okay. Things may not return to how they were before, but over time, families can find a “new normal” that feels manageable.
Small, consistent routines, combined with patience and care, can help children feel more secure as they adjust to life after loss.
