Continuing bonds
What is ‘continuing bonds’?
‘Continuing bonds’ is a way of understanding our relationship with someone after they have died. It suggests that death does not end the relationship. Instead, the relationship changes. We can stay connected to the person who has died by holding them in our thoughts, memories, and everyday lives.
For many people, this ongoing connection can be a natural and comforting part of grief.
Why this can be helpful
Grief does not follow a neat or predictable path. You may have heard of the Kübler-Ross model, which describes grief in stages. While this model can be helpful for some, it does not reflect how many people actually experience grief.
Children and young people do not move step-by-step through set stages. Their feelings can change from day to day, and they may revisit their grief over time.
When there is pressure to “move on” or grieve in a certain way, children may:
- Feel they are getting it wrong
- Worry that they are not grieving “properly”
- Feel guilty for how they are feeling (or not feeling)
An approach that allows children to remember, talk about, and stay connected to the person who died can feel more supportive and reassuring.
How you can support your child
Supporting a continuing bond can be a gentle and meaningful way to help children and young people with their grief.
You might:
- Make space for everyday conversations about the person who has died
- Share stories and memories together
- Talk about who they were and what they meant to your family
- Encourage your child to express thoughts and feelings in their own way
Connection does not have to be limited to anniversaries or special occasions. Small, everyday moments can be just as important.
Ways children and families stay connected
Every family finds their own way to stay connected. There is no right or wrong approach.
Some children and families may:
- Visit a place that helps them feel close to the person
- Talk to the person who has died, sharing thoughts or daily experiences
- Create small rituals or routines that bring comfort
- Remember what the person might have said or done in certain situations
- Use drawing, writing, or play to keep memories alive
You can gently explore with your child what feels helpful for them, and follow their lead.
A gentle reminder
Staying connected to someone who has died is a natural part of grief for many people. There is no need to “let go” in order to heal. Finding ways to carry the relationship forward can help children feel comforted, supported, and less alone.
Further reading
- Continuing bonds (Klass, Silverman and Nickman) 1996.
- The Invisible String – a storybook to encourage continuing bonds and help with separation anxiety, Patrice Karst
- The Invisible String Workbook – creative activities to comfort, calm and connect, Patrice Karst
- Memory Bottles – storybook to encourage building memories, Beth Shoshan
- The Memory Tree – A storybook for children about remembering the person who has died, Britta Teckentrup
- The Memory Puzzle – an activity book to help children remember their loved one, SeeSaw
