Parenting your children after someone has died

1. Look after yourself

Parents often put their own needs last. After someone has died, this can feel even more true.

But you are central to helping your children cope. Looking after yourself is not selfish — it is an important part of caring for your family.

Small steps can help. You might:

• set simple, achievable goals for the day
• notice when you are being hard on yourself and gently challenge this
• replace “I should” or “I must” with kinder, more realistic thoughts
• talk to someone you trust about how you are feeling
• rest when you can
• eat regularly
• spend a little time outside

You do not have to do this perfectly. Being gently kind to yourself can make a difference. When children see you taking care of yourself, they learn that their own wellbeing matters too.

2. Strengthen your relationship with your child

After someone has died, it can feel as though every conversation is about the loss. It is important to talk about the person who has died, but it is also important to have moments that are not about grief. Spending time together in ordinary, enjoyable ways helps children feel safe and connected.

You might try:

Family time

• set aside a regular time each week
• choose something everyone enjoys
• keep it predictable

One-to-one time

• spend 10–15 minutes with each child
• let them choose the activity
• give them your full attention

Enjoying time together does not mean you are forgetting the person who has died. Children need breaks from grief. Moving in and out of these feelings is a healthy way of coping.

3. Listen with warmth

Listening is one of the most powerful ways to support your child. When children feel heard and accepted, they are more likely to share their thoughts and feelings.

You might:

• pause what you are doing and give your full attention
• make gentle eye contact
• use small encouragers like “I see” or “tell me more”

You can also help by naming feelings:

• “You seem really sad today because you’re missing Dad. Is that right?”
• “It sounds like you’re feeling angry about that.”

This helps children connect their thoughts and emotions, and shows them that all feelings are allowed. Your role is not always to fix things. Sometimes, it is to understand.

4. Keep clear and consistent boundaries

After a death, some parents worry that setting boundaries may feel too harsh. However, clear and consistent boundaries help children feel safe, especially when other parts of life feel uncertain.

You might find the “3 Cs” helpful:

• Be clear – explain expectations calmly
• Be calm – respond without anger
• Be consistent – follow through in the same way

Involving children in setting simple family rules can also help them feel a sense of control.

Noticing and praising positive behaviour is just as important. Recognising effort, kindness, and cooperation helps build confidence and strengthens your connection.

5. Help your child develop coping skills

Children revisit their grief as they grow. Feelings may come back at different times, such as birthdays, anniversaries, or school events.

You can support them by:

• planning ahead for difficult days
• talking openly about the person who has died
• sharing memories
• reading or creating things together

When your child brings you a problem, it can help to pause before offering solutions.

You might ask:

• “What do you think might help?”
• “What could you try?”
• “Shall we think about it together?”

This helps them build confidence and develop their own ways of coping.

Modelling coping

Children learn a lot from what they see.

You can support them by:

• talking about your own feelings in simple ways
• asking for help when you need it
• showing that feelings come and go
• taking breaks when things feel overwhelming

This helps children understand that difficult feelings can be managed over time.