Supporting siblings after a baby has died
When a baby dies, life can feel different for the whole family.
For parents, the loss of a baby can be overwhelming. Alongside their own grief, they might have concerns about their other children and worry about what they understand, how they are feeling, and how best to support them. For children and young people, losing a baby brother or sister can be a significant loss. They may have been looking forward to becoming a big brother or sister, they may have had the chance to spend time with and hold their baby sibling, or they may be grieving for a brother or sister they never had the chance to know.
Children grieve in their own way
Children do not always grieve in the ways adults expect. They might be tearful one moment and happily playing the next. They may ask lots of questions, become quieter than usual, seem angry or clingy, or appear to carry on as normal. This does not mean they are unaffected by the loss.
It is natural for children to move in and out of grief. Playing, laughing and spending time with friends are not signs that they have forgotten. These are important ways for children to cope with difficult feelings and take breaks from the sadness they might feel at home. They might also experience emotions that can be hard to hear, such as anger, confusion, jealousy or frustration about how much has changed. These feelings can sit alongside their sadness about the loss of their baby brother or sister.
What can help?
Being honest, using simple language and giving information that matches a child’s age and understanding can help them make sense of what has happened. It’s important to let children know they can ask questions whenever they need to as this can help them feel safe and supported.
When so much feels different, familiar routines can also be reassuring. Continuing everyday activities, such as school or nursery, seeing friends, playing and spending time together as a family, can help children feel secure and connected.
Children might also find comfort in remembering their baby sibling. Some might want to look at photographs, create a memory box, draw pictures, talk about their baby brother or sister, or take part in family acts of remembrance. Others may choose not to, and that’s okay too. Every child grieves differently, and there is no right or wrong way to remember.
Perhaps most importantly, children need to hear that nothing that happened was their fault, that they are loved and cared for, and that it is not their job to take care of the adults around them.
Making space for their grief
A sibling’s grief is not always visible. As children grow and develop, their understanding of death changes, and they may revisit their grief at different stages of life. Feelings can resurface around birthdays, anniversaries, family celebrations, starting school, or later in life when they experience milestones connected to brothers and sisters.
While parents are supporting their children, it is important to remember that they are grieving too. You do not have to get everything right. Listening, being present and showing your child they are loved through this difficult time can make a real difference.
