Separation anxiety after someone has died

1. Notice your own feelings

Before supporting your child, it can help to gently check in with yourself. After someone has died, many parents and carers feel more anxious too. You may find yourself worrying more about safety or about being apart from your child. Children are very sensitive to the emotions of the adults around them, and they may pick up on this.

You might:

• notice your own worries about separation
• talk things through with another trusted adult
• seek reassurance from school or other settings if needed
• try to avoid repeatedly asking your child for reassurance

Getting support for yourself is important. It can help you feel calmer and more able to support your child.

2. Listen carefully to your child’s worries

When a child shares their fears, it can be tempting to reassure them quickly. However, children often need to feel heard before they can begin to feel calmer.

Try to:

• acknowledge their feelings
• stay calm and steady
• avoid dismissing their fears
• avoid offering too much reassurance too quickly

You might say:

• “It sounds like you’re worried something might happen when I’m not there.”
• “I can see this feels really scary for you.”
• “It makes sense that you feel this way after someone has died.”

When children feel understood, their anxiety often begins to settle. From there, you can gently support them to think about how they might cope.

3. Problem-solve together

Helping your child develop ways to cope can build their confidence over time.

You might ask:

• “What do you think could help when you start to feel worried?”
• “Who could you talk to?”
• “What could you remind yourself?”

Encourage your child to come up with their own ideas, even if they seem small or unusual. This helps them feel more in control.

Together, you might agree on strategies such as:

• taking slow, steady breaths
• carrying a small object that reminds them of home
• speaking to a trusted adult at school
• drawing or writing about their feelings

The aim is not to remove anxiety completely, but to help your child feel able to manage it.

4. Help them feel prepared

Children often feel safer when they know what to expect.

Before school or another activity, you can talk through what the day might look like. Remind them of what will stay the same, as well as anything that might be different.

You might talk about:

• their classroom
• the playground
• friends they will see
• familiar staff who know them

If there are changes, such as a new teacher or different routine, preparing them in advance can help reduce uncertainty.

5. Create a simple goodbye ritual

Saying goodbye is often the hardest part of separation. A simple, consistent routine can help make this moment feel more manageable.

This might include:

• a special wave
• a short phrase you always say
• a hug or handshake
• a “pocket kiss” to keep with them during the day

Keeping goodbyes calm, brief, and predictable can help. Longer goodbyes can sometimes increase anxiety.

Over time, these routines help children learn that separations are temporary and that you will return.

6. Notice effort and bravery

Try to notice and gently acknowledge when your child manages being apart from you, even in small ways. Being specific can help them understand what they have done well.

For example:

• “You went into school even though you felt nervous — that was really brave.”
• “You told your teacher when you felt worried — that was a good choice.”

Rewards do not need to be big. Often, your time, attention, and connection are what matter most — such as sharing a quiet moment together or an extra story at bedtime. Over time this encouragement helps build confidence.