Grieving for someone you can’t remember
When a parent, sibling, or carer dies while a child is very young—or before they are born—it can raise questions about how this loss may affect them over time. Even without memories, children can still experience grief.
Is their grief the same?
A child’s grief may look different if they do not remember the person who has died. They may not miss them in the same way as someone who shared memories with them. However, they may still feel a deep sense of loss—for the relationship they did not get to have.
They might:
- Feel a longing for the person
- Notice they are different from their peers
- Wonder what life would have been like
It can help to remember that your child’s experience will not be the same as your own. They may not feel the same intensity of grief, and they may not have memories to draw comfort from.
The impact of others’ grief
Children are often very aware of the emotions of the adults around them.
They may:
- Become upset when others are distressed
- Try to comfort or protect family members
- Take on feelings that are not entirely their own
Sometimes, children are responding more to the grief in the home than to their own sense of loss. This is a natural and understandable response.
Children may react differently
Children do not always respond in the ways we expect.
Some may:
- Seem unaffected or neutral
- Ask lots of questions
- Show little interest at times
All of these responses are valid.
It is also important that children have space to enjoy themselves, play, and have fun. Moving in and out of their feelings is part of healthy grieving. As children grow, they may revisit the loss at different stages of development. They may become more curious or want to talk about it years later.
Feeling different within the family
Children can sometimes feel unsure when others in the family are grieving more visibly. For example, if older siblings have memories to share, a younger child may feel:
- Left out
- Different
- Confused
- Sad, jealous, or even numb
These feelings are all normal. Gentle support can help children make sense of their place within the family story.
Ways to support your child
You can help your child build a sense of connection to the person who has died.
You might:
- Talk openly about the person and share stories
- Look at photos or watch videos together
- Describe what they were like and what they enjoyed
- Talk about similarities your child may share with them
This can help your child begin to “get to know” the person in their own way.
This approach is sometimes described as continuing bonds—finding ways to stay connected through memories and shared stories.
Creating a sense of connection
There are simple, meaningful ways to help children feel closer to the person who has died.
You might:
- Share items such as clothing, perfume, or aftershave
- Encourage other family members to tell stories or write down memories
- Create a memory book or keepsake box
- Return to these memories over time, at your child’s pace
Sensory items, in particular, can be comforting and help bring a sense of closeness.
Working with others
It can help to let your child’s school or other caregivers know about the loss—even if it happened some time ago. This can help them offer support during times that may feel more difficult, such as Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, or other significant events.
A gentle reminder
Children who cannot remember someone who has died may still carry a sense of loss in their own way. With time, openness, and shared memories, they can build a meaningful connection and a sense of belonging within their family story.
