reassurance

For children bereaved by murder or manslaughter the world can now seem like a scary place. Children need a lot of repeated reassurance that they are safe and loved. It is important to remind them more that once that nothing they did could have caused or prevented what happened as this can take some time to sink in. Try to remind children of the good in the world and that although some people are not kind and do bad things to hurt others, the majority of people are good and treat people with kindness. If there is a lot of negative news in the media, try to look for local stories with positive messages or point out times where someone treats you / them with kindness. 

explain key information

With a death by murder or manslaughter there is likely to be a lot going on and different professionals visiting. If there are professionals who are having regular contact with the family, it can be helpful to explain who they are and what their job is. It might be that some professionals will need to talk to the children, so knowing who they are and why it is they want to talk with them in advance can put fears at ease and help them feel prepared and in control. Try and use simple language in these descriptions and explain that these people are trying to find out what happened so that the same thing doesn’t happen to others. 

giving control

There is often a sense of feeling out of control when someone has died by murder or manslaughter. This can feel scary for children and so providing them with tasks where they get to make decisions can enable them to feel in control again, even if in a small way. This can be done by involving them in decisions being made such as funeral arrangements – which flowers or songs to choose, having the option to say or write something for the funeral etc. It can also be done in the small everyday decisions such as what to have for dinner. Sometimes making decisions can feel overwhelming, so it might be helpful to provide just a few options to choose from. 

encourage and normalise feelings

Children are likely to experience a range of emotions which may sometimes catch them off-guard. Try and find time to explore different ways they can express their emotions, such as making a collage out of colours that represent their feelings, journal writing, making relaxing playdoh, creating a feelings wheel. See our resources sections for some creative resources that might help. If they are finding it hard to regulate their emotions, take a look at our blog which has lots of ideas on this. 

encourage normality and fun

It is normal and healthy for children to dip in and out of their grief; one minute they may be sad and saying how they miss their loved one, and the next minute they are laughing and playing. This is often referred to as ‘puddle jumping’ and it can feel uncomfortable for adults who worry that if a child is happy and playing it means they are not grieving. However, it is an important part of healthy grief for children to engage in normal activities and to have fun with their friends. As children get older, they may feel a sense of guilt for having fun and doing normal things. It’s important to let them know that it’s ok to still have fun and laugh, it doesn’t mean that they no longer care about, or have forgotten their loved one. 

For more information about ‘healthy’ grief click here

model grief

It is a natural instinct to want to shield and protect children from upsetting things, and so many adults try their best to hide their own grief from their children and save it for when they are out or in bed. However, children look to the adults around them for their learning in all sorts of situations, particularly around how to react to life events. This is no different with grief; they will be watching to see how the adults around them are reacting and will take this as what is normal and expected of them too. If they only see people putting on brave and happy faces and never showing their sadness, they will believe that this is how they should behave. This can mean that their true feelings can get pushed down instead of being shared. It is helpful to model  grief in your own reactions, but it is also important to explain them to children. For instance, it’s ok to cry in front of children but explain to them why and reassure them that it is not anything they have done; “Mummy is crying because she misses Daddy and that makes her feel sad. It’s not because you have done anything wrong.” Sharing your emotions also gives space to encourage children to share their emotions with you; “It’s ok to cry if you feel sad, but it’s also ok to feel lots of different things – how do you feel today?”

remind them it's ok to talk

When children are aware that their care givers are also grieving, they tend to want to protect them by shielding them from their own thoughts, feelings and questions.  It’s important to remind them regularly that you are there for them to talk to about anything that’s on their mind. The Be Right Back Jar is a really helpful way to aid this communication.