why honesty is important

Overhearing information 

It is a natural instinct to want to protect children from upsetting news and it is understandable that people are tempted to give a different explanation when the death is by suicide. When someone has taken their own life, it is common that the bereaved family will have to cope with the circumstances of the death becoming public. There may be visits from the police, media interest and conversations about the death taking place within the community and on social media.  Because of this, it is likely that children and young people will come across information about the death by over-hearing conversations or from other people. The possibility of this is increased with children’s access to the internet, where information may be available for years to come. It is generally best to try to be open and honest with children from the start so that children do not find out the truth by accident or hear something that is not true.    

 

Preventing children filling in gaps in their knowledge with their imaginations 

These conversations may feel very difficult, but hearing this news from a parent provides an opportunity to give a clear, and age-appropriate explanation. When children do not have the information they need, they often fill in the gaps with their imagination or they can make wrong assumptions that they may be responsible. It is important to try and avoid secrets and unnecessary details. A parent or carer is generally the best person to tell their child this difficult news. However, if this is not possible, it is important they try and be present while another adult, who is known and trusted by the children, delivers the information.    

It can help even very young children to have a simple story that they can use to re-tell and slowly make sense of what has happened. Use words they understand. Always check they they have understood what you have told them.  

 

Events surrounding suicide can often become very confused.  Try to be consistent in your explanations to the children, telling them honestly what you believe to be true.   

 

If you’ve given a different explanation already  

It may be that you have already given your child a different explanation for the death than suicide. If this is the case, it is ok to go back and explain things again. You could say something like:    

‘You know I told you that Daddy died and that he died from a heart attack? Well, I’d now like to tell you a bit more about it. When Daddy died it was hard for me to explain exactly what happened, but now I’d like to tell you more about how your Daddy died’.   

Older children may feel hurt to have been protected from the full facts before. In these circumstances it can help to say something like:   

‘I have been impressed by how you’ve been since Mum died and I think you’re mature enough to know some more about what happened when she died.’   

When telling children about a death by suicide, consider the following:

  • Choose a quiet, comfortable space where you will not be disturbed. . Where possible, if there is more than one child in the family, tell all the children together about the death. You can add further information to older children at a later stage. 
  • You do not need to give all the information in one go. It helps to break it down into small chunks. This makes it easier for children to understand and process the information.  
  • These chunks of information may be given in the space of minutes, hours, days, weeks, months or even years. The pace between the information is often led by the child’s needs and ability to understand which is in turn affected by their age and developmental understanding. The pace will also be affected by the situation, for example, the possibility of your child finding out what has happened from other sources or from older members of the family.   
  • Try to avoid telling children just before they go to bed as this can result in problems sleeping. 
  • Start by explaining that you have something very sad to tell the children.   
  • Be aware of the children’s different levels of understanding. Try to use the word ‘died’ or ‘dead’ rather than words like ‘passed’ or ‘lost’, which can be confusing for younger children.   
  • This process takes time. It needs to be handled with care, giving the children the chance to say how they are feeling. You may want to ask your child if they would like to know more details and then be guided by their response. If a child says they don’t want to hear more just now, they need to know that they can come back to you for more information. Then again, you may feel that your child cannot handle any more information at the moment. It is important then to tell your child that you will tell them more on another occasion – and to do this. 
  • Remember that children will respond differently to the news: some may cry and stay close; others may be angry or possibly still and silent. Younger children may behave as if nothing has happened.   
  • Sometimes children worry that it was their fault that the person died. Reassure children it was nothing they did or said that caused the death, and there was nothing they could have done to prevent it.  
  •  It’s important that other family members know what you have told the children so that they say the same thing and use the same language. This will avoid confusion or giving mixed messages.   
  •  Children will want to know what is going to happen next. This might include conversations about the funeral, returning to school, general childcare and so on, all of which will help children feel supported and safe.  
  • Our experience indicates that if a child asks a question about what has happened, they are ready to hear the answer. 
  •  Remember, all children will grieve differently depending on their age, personality, coping mechanisms and previous experiences of loss.   
  •  Take care of yourself and don’t hide your grief from the children. It’s ok for children to see you sad and upset but explain that you are sad because you are missing the person or are having a difficult day. This will show the children how they too can manage their sadness.  

 

Knowing what to say and when

Explaining that someone has died by suicide can feel overwhelming. It helps to break the information into stages, and gradually work through each stage. It’s important to note that depending on the age of a child or the circumstances, these stages may happen within the space of minutes / hours or over a longer period of time.

 

This is the stage when you explain gently and simply that someone has died. It is helpful to do this somewhere the child feels comfortable and safe. Older children may need space to themselves afterwards, so being close to a place they can go to on their own, such as their bedroom, is useful.

It is important to avoid euphemisms such as 'gone to sleep' 'gone to the sky' as this can cause confusion. Although it might feel uncomfortable, it is important to use the words died and dead.

Try to give them a simple, short, honest sentence:

‘I have something really sad to tell you. Mum died today.’ 

 The second step provides a little bit more information by giving an explanation about how or where the person died. This allows you to be honest without giving details you may feel are not appropriate. Giving these simple details allows the child to place the death within a context in their head which can be added to as time goes on. When children are not given honest information, they tend to fill in those gaps with their imaginations, which can result in confusion and complications later. 

Here are some examples:

‘Mummy died up on the hill by the trees.’ 

‘Grandad died in the car.’ 

‘Daddy died because he took more of his tablets than he should have.’ 

‘Alisha died by the railway line.’ 

‘Hassan died because he got very badly burnt.’ 

The next stage is to explain that it was the person’s choice to take their own life. This can be a very difficult thing to explain to a child, but our experience shows that being given this truth in a child- appropriate way is important and prevents them from discovering this information from someone or somewhere else.  

You can start by asking to give them some more information,

‘ I would like to give you a bit more information about how Daddy died.’

Then you can explain that sometimes people choose to end their life,

‘There are lots of reasons that people can die, most people don’t die until they get very old, but sometimes people die from illnesses or accidents. Sometimes people choose to hurt themselves and they die. This is what Mummy did’

After your conversation, you might want to ask the child again if they want any more information, which might be a good opportunity to introduce the word ‘suicide’. They are likely to come across this word at some point and if they hear it being used to describe what happened to their loved one, without knowing what it means, it can cause confusion.

‘When people do something like this, they are often very sad and confused and think it is the best thing to do. It is called ‘suicide’ or ‘ending your own life’.

The next step is to give more detail about the method of suicide. This is often the part most people worry about and want to protect children from. This understandably feels counterintuitive and uncomfortable, however if the information is given in a simple, gentle, honest and age appropriate way it often helps children fill in gaps in their story of what happened. When these gaps are missing children are likely to fill them with their own imagined thoughts which can cause more distress.  

Here are some examples you could use for different methods of suicide. 

Suicide by hanging 

‘ Do you remember how we say to never put anything around your neck because it’s dangerous? Well Daddy went to a quiet place in a field and took some rope with him. He tied one end of the rope around his neck and the other end to the tree. He climbed up the tree and then jumped off. When he jumped the rope pulled very tight and it stopped him from being able to breathe. This is how he died’ 


Suicide by overdose 

‘When the doctor gives us medicine to take it is to make us feel better, but if you take more medicine than the doctor has told you it can make you very poorly. Mummy took too many tablets at one time. When you take too many tablets it makes your body very poorly and is too hard for your body to stay alive and you die. This is how Mummy died.'


Suicide by overdose and alcohol 

The above explanation can be adapted as in:- 

‘……Mummy took too many tablets at the same time and then she drank a lot of wine. When you take too many tablets and drink lots of alcohol together, it is hard for your body to stay alive………’ 


Suicide by jumping in front of a train 

'David walked down to the railway line and he stepped in front of the train when it was coming towards him. The train was very fast, and it did not have time to stop. It hit David. His body was very badly hurt, and he died straight away’ 


Suicide by carbon monoxide poisoning 

'Ishmael parked his car where no one would notice. He put a tube in the exhaust pipe that comes out of the back of the car. He put the other end of the tub inside the car. When a car’s engine is running it makes fumes come out of the exhaust. Ishmael sat inside the car and turned the engine on. This meant that all of the fumes came into the car and there was not enough Oxygen, which is what we need to breath.  These fumes are poisonous and if you breathe a lot of them in you die. It is not painful, Ishmael would have become sleepy and eventually died because his body couldn’t live without Oxygen.’ 


Suicide by jumping 

‘Jane went to the top of the building which is very high up and she jumped off. It was so high up that the fall hurt her very badly. When your body has been hurt that much you die and that’s how Jane died.’ 


Suicide by burning 

‘Josh took a can of petrol and poured it all over himself. He then lit a match and set the petrol on fire. The petrol burnt him very badly and he died. The doctors have said that Josh died very quickly, and although it would have hurt, it would have only hurt for a short time before he died.’ 


Other situations 

There are other ways people die by suicide and these can be adapted from the suggestions given here.  

It is important to try and balance the information you give with some reassuring and comforting words, such as 

‘Daddy loved you very much and nothing you did or didn’t do made him do this’ 

‘Mummy didn’t want to hurt you, she loved you very much’ 

It is important to check what the child has understood after one of these explanations. They should feel informed without feeling too frightened. 

One of the hardest things about death by suicide is that there will always be unanswered questions. No-one can every fully know the reasons someone chose to end their life. It is important though, that children know that nothing they said/did/ could have said/done made it happen.  

The suggestions below could be adapted to help you give some explanation of why someone took their own life,

‘Sometimes people can feel so sad that they believe things that are not true. Sometimes they might believe that the people around them would be happier if they were not here anymore. This isn’t true, but it’s what they believed and so they decided to stop living. This might be what happened with Daddy’

‘Sometimes people can have an illness in their brain that makes them feel very sad and confused. Doctors can give medicines to help this, but Mummy didn’t go to the doctors.  When people feel this way, they can think that the only way to stop feeling so bad is to stop living. This might be why Mummy decided she wanted to die.’

‘People often have problems in their life, but sometimes these problems can build up and feel like they are too much and that there is no way to escape them. Sometimes, instead of asking for help people can feel that the only way they can get away from the problems is to end their life. This might be why Janie decided to end his life’

‘We don’t understand why Jack decided he wanted to die. Sometimes someone can seem very happy on the outside but be feeling different thing inside. Unfortunately, sometimes people feel that they can’t talk to people about the feelings they have and instead these feelings can become too big and they might feel the only way to stop these feelings is to die. We will never know exactly what Jack was thinking, but we do know that he loved us, and he didn’t want to upset us.’