Children will react to any death in accordance with their age and stage of development. Click here to read more about how this affects their reaction.

Below are some common reactions experienced by those who have been bereaved by suicide. These feelings are not definitive and may not be experienced by everyone. It is unlikely that very young children will experience these reactions.

Numbness, shock and disbelief

By its very nature, suicide is often untimely, unexpected and may be violent. Sometimes a death through suicide comes out of the blue to those close to the person who has died. Even if someone has said they plan to end their life or has attempted to do so before, the death will still come as a shock and it can take a long time to accept it has happened. However, the feeling of numbness at the beginning can often protect from feelings which may seem overpowering and may in fact help you get through the early days when there is too much to cope with.

Guilt, Anger and possibly relief

Guilt and anger are common reactions in bereaved people but tend to be felt more intensely and for longer by relatives and friends of people who have died by suicide. You may feel guilt that you are alive and that you didn’t or, indeed, couldn’t prevent the suicide.

You may be angry for being left behind to cope. You may find it impossible to ‘switch off’ the last conversation. This is difficult enough if your last conversation with the person seemed cheerful and normal; it is more difficult if your last conversation was an angry or hurtful one. 

Some people may feel a sense of relief, especially if there have been frequent suicide attempts, violence, or if your family life has been dominated by one emotional crisis after another. However, even this relief can be brief and swamped by feelings of guilt for having felt relieved.

rejection and betrayal

Family members can often feel rejected by someone who has taken their own life. Relatives and friends may be left asking ‘Why did he or she do this to me?’ ‘Did I fail them in any way?’ ‘What have I and the children done to deserve this?’ When time has been spent supporting a child or partner with depression it might feel all as though these efforts have been rejected. Some may feel as if their love has also been rejected.

Shame and blame

Suicide is no longer a crime but there is still stigma associated with it. The legal framework that surrounds an investigation and inquest can make families feel on trial. Families may feel that neighbours, work colleagues or even other members of the family are questioning the death in a way they never would if the death had been through an illness or accident. Relatives may be desperate to understand what has happened and, in trying to make sense of everything, they may try to put the blame on to someone other than the person who died. This is even harder when feelings of self-blame are already apparent. 

One of the particularly hard feelings is shame; adults often feel that there is a strong sense of shame attached to a death by suicide and they try to protect their children from this feeling. In fact, younger children do not experience shame in the same way as adults do when someone has taken their own life. They may well be blaming themselves and possibly others, but shame is not such a common reaction. Adolescents may feel shame, having developed a more mature understanding of suicide, and being particularly sensitive to the judgements of others.