It is helpful to encourage children to ask questions. This will help to find out what they are thinking and how they are dealing with the death. If you don’t know the answer to a question, it’s ok to say so and reassure the child that it was not a silly question to ask. Sometimes it can help to think ahead about questions that might get asked and then practice answers you are happy with.

It might help to ask the family doctor to answer specific medical questions so that the whole family can understand why the person’s actions made them die (for example, how does exhaust gas make you die) and also what sort of death it would have been. With a violent death, it is reasonable to assume that there would have been some pain or suffering. While it is difficult to talk about this, not talking does not stop a child worrying about it or imagining worse than the reality. Some reassurance that the death was quick, and any pain of very short duration can help children deal with difficult facts.

suggestions for answering different types of questions

Sometimes children ask whether they could have done anything to change what happened or if it is their fault the person died. This needs explaining because children, particularly younger children, often feel they have some sort of power over the people and events that matter to them.

‘Sometimes no matter how good we are or what things we say or do, if someone feels so bad that they want to end their life, there’s nothing we can do to stop them.’

‘Lots of us have wondered if we did something or didn’t do something to make them want to end their life – we’ve worried that it might have been our fault. But if someone feels very down about things and decides to kill themselves, then they’ve made the choice about what they want to do. It’s no-one else’s fault – it’s their decision.’

‘The sad thing is that sometimes people make that decision when they are feeling useless and don’t like themselves much. I wish they’d realised they were important to us and didn’t need to do this.’

 

The most important thing to stress is that the person did not die because they no longer loved their child.

‘Whatever Mum was thinking, the one thing I know for sure is that she loved you with all her heart. She would never have done anything to hurt you.’

 

Children may worry about their other relatives doing the same thing.

‘I won’t do the same thing. Like you, I have felt very, very upset and low since Jim died but I know that I will never choose to die like Jim. I know what it’s like for those left behind after a suicide. At the moment, I still need to be sad and I will probably need to be sad and maybe angry for a long time. That doesn’t mean I will kill myself.’